It’s been a while since I’ve been here, at all. The spring term has been full of good work, but little of it has supported much in the way of reflection and writing, at least for me. A colleague at the Washington State Board for Community and Technical Colleges mailed a list serve with a review of a book titled “Defending the Community College Equity Agenda.” The review wonders about the focus of community colleges and their faculty. I find myself doing the same. The number of demands on our energy seems to draw us away of our central goals and at times from our values.
The diffuse focus and the questions about purpose have been made more clear for me because in a world literature class my students and I have been relentlessly focusing on a purpose that makes sense to me. Lately we have been reading Ernest Gaines novel A Lesson Before Dying. The process has involved thinking, with growing clarity, about what sorts of “social energy” circulates in a piece of fiction or poetry. Gaines spare prose about a tiny setting has systematically drawn us into discussions of agency and how a human finds a place in a community always already unjust. By the time we encountered the stream of consciousness journal late in the novel most of us were reading ahead, more interested in completing the narrative than in meeting assignments. We paused on the final sentence, “I was crying,” and wondered about (at least I wondered about it) how a new awareness in a final sentence causes a reader to have to rethink an entire novel.
It is the work of learning how to read with care and talking about well written sentences and chapters, that seems to me to be important. My class and I have valued it. Our work will help some of my students achieve their academic goals (the central issue in “Defending the Community College Equity Agenda”): they are better readers and writers now, have a fuller sense of the world and have shown themselves able to encounter “foreign” traditions and practices with curiosity and without judgment.
Still, I resist thinking about our work in terms of the attainment of goals. I am more interested in the growth I have seen in our ability to argue (I use that word the way that, say, Christopher Lasch did in Revolt of the Elites) about difficult texts. We have learned how to tackle the ultimate ill-formed problem (a poem by Chinese poet Duo Duo) and, without the need to establish some imperialist “correct” reading, develop satisfying responses to the problem that build more complete notions of the world, yes, but also result in what Heaney has called “undisappointed joy.” We are working out explanations of our reading experience and reflection on those explanations in an attempt to see how reading texts from China and India and Africa make the experience of living in the U.S. more intelligible, less inevitable.
I think we are making ourselves more free. As a community college teacher, I want to defend that work (by documenting it) as the aim of a community college education.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
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Yeah, it’s good to see you up and blogging again. *smile*
I think we have to constantly take stock, and refocus in order to keep our values intact. And sometimes that balance seems impossible. I know you and a lot of my colleagues are ready for the quarter to end, but for me it represents somewhat of a dilemma (perhaps more too than what’s detailed below). I’ve done a lot of learning to reach for that fuller view of the world (both macro and micro) in researching New Urbanism and building community for 102. In expanding my reading, exploring the damage of literature and it’s value, and listening to the voices of the dead in world literature. My learning this quarter has been almost solely focused on value/s. What we teach our children and the value of family, values taught in education and the value of learning, world values and the value of “foreign traditions,” community values and the value of creating a community self-sustaining/supporting. Social energy stored in texts, and what it does to you as a reader, Social justice and the value of “youman” life, grades and the value of personal growth.
The dilemma for me is that in expanding my learning, and that focus on values, I don’t feel my “experience of living in the U.S. [is] more intelligible [and] less inevitable”. And I don’t like that. Cause I know it should be. I’ve done a lot of reflecting on what it is my achievement of academic goals will inevitably gain me after my work here in college. Will I be more free? Will I be able to support what I’ve learned? Will my ability to buy a condo in downtown Bothell with a roof-top deck and support my little family with a good-paying professional career make me freer? A better person? Yes…? No…? *shrug*
It’s not that I don’t feel I’ve gotten something of value. The personal fulfillment? Vast. Of that you can be assured.
That’s just it. I feel the constant need to push back at what I think it means to be responsible. It doesn’t mean baby-sitting; it doesn’t mean doing more than I should. But, does it mean following “the plan” as it lies ahead of me? As I revisit my values, the “undisapointed joy” escapes me. It seems I’m learning something here I can’t apply, and I want to. As the end of the quarter nears I feel the need to take stock, really examine my choice of path, in light of this quarter long reflection on values. There’s something wrong when the inevitability of a supposedly necessary future career path make me cringe, and I see it in the faces of the people who watch me do it. I’m the resource person (!) I should be able to figure this out.
So as the quarter comes to a close, I find myself back on the edge of that lake. Uncertain as to what path to choose. Alone in thought. As responsible as I try to be, I can’t lay the full weight of my decisions on my kids. These are my choices. There are many elements that influence them. But they are mine. A time is coming when I need to decide. It may not be upon me. But soon. How will I use these lessons…my values…?
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